[Cross-posted from 17 March 2009 on Charcoal Ink, my personal blog]
One of Charcoal’s regular readers, lifeisannoying, left a fascinating comment on a previous post that I’d like to share. Please do not judge her and I hope this can start conversation that’s healthy.
Ok, let me just get up on my soapbox!( shuffles, stumbles finds feet) i was natural from 2001 all the way up to 2006. it was long and very wavy, i loved it, BUT i found that i could not find a man. men thought it symbolised that i was worthy and a bit pious and not down a damn good time (this girl loves a good time!) they would always adress me like they would adress their grandmother. having my beneath the shoulder length natural hair was a turn off for them. so despite loving the look myself and feeling ashamed of compromising myself and my ideals i texturised it bone straight……. you know what happened almost immeadiately??? Guys who knew me on sight before were asking me if i was new in town, or if i only just started going out in the area. it’s sick to admit it and it’s shameful for me, since i loved my natural and miss it, but i like male attention and want male attention and that is what they want………… Trust me i am only alone because i want to be these days. It is sick, that some black men and women feel like this and maybe we all need to politicise our hair again so people can wake up. but me i am just human, principles are fine things……. loneliness is another. Please don’t judge me, if you have ever been truely lonely and hungry for love you will understand why i compromised myself.
lifeisannoying has raised a very important question with comment. I think that (some) black men (overarchingly referring to black men in the UK) here are attracted to girls with ’straight’ hair. And there is nothing with wanting to appeal to men. Women like to look physically attractive to men, it’s natural (and vice versa). I think what is different here is that to me, natural hair should be *enough* for black men who run for straight hair.
It should be *enough* because it is how our hair naturally grows. Any man who cannot see the beauty of natural hair is dunce in my opinion. I don’t apportion blame onto women per se because so much of female identity is still wrapped up in the patriarchy that controls the majority of societies in the world (RE burkhas etc). I think afro hair is beautiful because to me, it is blackness personified before manipulation. It is a shame some black men could not see the beauty of lifeisannoying’s natural hair. Hopefully, natural girls will find black men who accept their beautiful curls for who they are. Because whoever shares my bed needs to accept my Afro for what it is. And trust me, natural girls are freaks* *=not in a bad way, gentlemen!
Well, I’m a black male who LOVES a woman wit Natural Hair. I think there is nothing prettier that a woman with dreads,a fro, or anything natural.
I was intrigued by this post and wanted to share an article (with the hopes to obtain more feedback from a professional standpoint) regarding the need for Blacks to relax their hair to get promoted. See the article below:
http://www.diversityinc.com/public/4731.cfm
Personally, I MUCH prefer “natural” hair. I also prefer women who are themselves and not trying to jump through hoops to please a man.
Its hard to meet women where I live; do you think that I will change my wardrobe or personality to meet the right person? The right person will come when I’m ready, perhaps when I am MOST myself. Changing something fundamental about me in order to attract somebody to me is absurd.
Thelonious Monk said it best (paraphrase): “Play your own way; if it takes ten to fifteen years for people to recognize you, so be it.” I’d rather that, than conk my hair.
I am an Afrikan man who loves sisters with Natural hair. I think that sometimes the people we want don’t want us may be the brothers the sister wanted like women with processed hair. My love for sisters with natural hair increased when Dick Gregory talked of about the link between chemical from women processed hair and breast cancer and other cancers.
It is getting warm in Michigan I cannot wait to meet sisters with Natural hair. I think that natural hair accentuates the beauty of Afrikan women. I once knew a beautiful sister with a natural hair I looking forward to meeting another soon. For me a natural hair tells me that the sister is smart , prudent, and she believes in Afrikan aesthetics and consciousness.
Thanks for all your opinions.
thefreelsave, I think you are right. Women should not jump through hoops to meet a man, but the problem is many women are insecure and seek validation (emotional/sexual) through men.
I think some men need to acknowledge their power over their aesthetic choices and how that affects some women.
Being natural means attracting a different types of black man, and I know this is not going to sound PC, but on the whole, being natural from what I have seen attracts men who are conscious and down to earth.
Also, I have never had seen so many white men giving me compliments about my hair. It’s shocking because it is not something black people dish out to me at any rate.
Black Men often have a very colonized mindset and have succumbed to the European standards of beauty. Consequently, black women know this and because any woman, or rather all women want to be desired, Black women give in. It’s a terrible thing…I also agree with the earlier comment, that Whites will often compliment our natural hair more than Blacks will. What a shame…the level of self hate within us.
Don’t believe the hype that Black men don’t love a woman w/ natural hair. Although I’m no longer natural, I surely can attest that in the span of the 2 years I was, I had a higher caliber of men to choose from than I did before.
There is an aura that surrounds a woman who wears her hair naturally, and Black men had no problem telling me this…or stopping me at Post Offices, groceries, etc to do so! lol
I have been wearing my hair natural since 1999. I have also gotten more compliments about my natural hair from white people than black people. That is a shame and indicative of how far apart black people are now among ourselves since integration. While we have gained much from the civil rights movement, we have, in a sense, lost our selves in the process.
I will not change my natural hair to attract a man. I cannot even relate any longer to the person I was many years ago when I used to relax my naturally curly hair. That girl’s love of relaxing her hair is so foreign to me now,and I can barely recognize myself in her when I look at pictures of myself from those times.
When I used to relax my hair it would became thin and lifeless after a year and I would always have to let it all grow out and start again with healthy hair. Relaxing my hair also did not really compliment my round face and huge eyes. My natural hair looks like it was custom fitted just for me. You have to trust that Father-Mother-God knows best.
I also notice that my hair in it’s natural state grows so much faster than when I used to relax it. I couldn’t get my relxed hair to pass my shoulders, but my hair has been waist length.
Black men have completely bought into the European standard of beauty, so it is not even just about us wearing our hair naturally. The more we don’t remind them of Africa in our physical features, the more chance we have of attracting one. Not ALL black men, but too many to count and I would even say we are in crisis as a people when you look around you and see that so many black men will not even date a black woman at all anymore. We are accused of not being feminine enough, too fat, to aggressive, too this and too that, and gold diggers, which to me are simply excuses to justify walking away from black women without feeling about it, because all of those negative traits we are accused of having or not having are found in all women. Additionally, as you believe, so shall it be unto you.
I can count on one hand how many black male friends I have that truly love and appreciate the natural beauty of black women.
I KNOW without doubt that there is a black man out there who loves and appreciates me for all that I AM in its entirety. I want ONLY a black man. Other black women have the divine right to expand their dating choices to other races because we all came from the same Universal Loving Intelligence. I do recognize that. However, for me I truly love and want only a black man as my husband and my friend for life.
I will not entertain any notions of loneliness because I know that for my Beloved to appear I first have to become the Beloved.
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW! I’ve been natural for three year, and I had locs for ten months. I went through the ugly stage and I to felt like no man wanted me. But after a while that changed when I put myself out there n stopped feeling ugly because of my hair. I really liked my locs but edges were coming out…so I combed them out. Now my hair is thick n down to the top of my shoulders. I plan to relax it because its SUPER hard to maintain. I’ve tried moisturizers and ceramic irons and no luck. After a hour of being straight it poofs back up. .What do you suggest?
Hey Lotoria – Best way to manage long natural hair when handling it divide it in four sections and keep it like that when you are pre-shampooing, shampooing, and conditioning your hair. After a good wash wash your hair up in a terry cloth towel with leave-in-condition till hair is lightly damp then blow out hair with heat protector (Mizani Hair Serum) then flat iron w/ Paul Mitchell serum no more then 2x’s a week, or twist up/braid w/ olive oil. I would encourage you to keep you hair natural and keep loving it – though I can understand at the same time why you’d want to go back. Taking care of your natural hair is a maintaince of it’s own, but in the end what I love is that you know it is your own.
Personally speaking I went natural just a year ago. At first my husband, who is black american said that he was pro my experiment of going natural as long as it made me happy. Twelve months with various test & trial styles and products my husband says he hates natural hair & demands I get a relaxer at least once every 2 weeks. He’s told me many times during my transitioning process, that I needed to flat iron my hair more, and when I finally cut the rest of the relaxer off, we had a cold war in the house. I am from the Caribbean island, and he is an African American male. After reading some past blogs about how many in the black community feel about natural hair, I can understand a little why my husband feels the way he does. He has told me many times, that he just doesn’t find that type of hair attractive, and that he finds himself less attracted to me. Mind you that if I didn’t have such a healthy self-esteem my husband would have completed crushed it by some of the comments which I have had to endure. I have heard everything from me not looking “correct” & “unkempt”. That socially I’d becomed an embarrassment for him & that I was selfish for putting him through that when I know that he hates it so much. Now I understand that he hates and has been taught to hate and has nuture hate of something that I can’t help growing out of my scalp for years and that we as a black community have alot of issues. Some may say still that they just like relaxers, I tell you, yes it is a personal choice, but why this self-disgust with what is yours?
I understand the part where some of the men have written here about how much they love natural hair, but will say that the greater population of black males are the degenerating reason why females stress straight hair, long weaves and etc. Worldwide males yield a strong influence on the market of how woman look. Why years ago Chinese women were crippling themselves with tiny shoes from infancy up because Chinese men love tiny feet. It is no different for black females. We are no weaker for it, just human.
My husband has kindly informed me that he would buy me the relaxer this month, after my natural hair being close to my back when straightened. I “kindly” declined his gracious offer, and told him the cost of maintaining relaxed hair in a years span – he said that hundreds of dollars each year would be worth it. Sorry to say that he’s under that mentally, but I won’t help him stay there by giving in to that sort of pressure. I will compromise and press it – but even that doesn’t satisfy him because he hates how my hair looks when the humidity hits it. I know for a fact that my husband is not the few who reflect this viewpoint. One black male was embarrassed to show his wife to others in public because of her hair. I just wish those men would wake up.
Wow, I really “feel” your pain. I went natural about a year ago, and bc’d in May of 2009. I have about 4-5 inches of natural hair. At this point I wear cornrows, or I use setting lotion and hair conditioner on quick ‘wash n go’ days with a couple headbands and bobby pins.
But yes, my boyfriend too had a heart attack when I first bc’d because it was SO short, and it was a shock because I had long shoulder length relaxed bone straight hair when I met him. So it was quite a shock to see me change so drastically. He seemed ok with it at first, and even lied and told me he liked natural hair, but yet another 6 months later the truth comes out. “I hate natural hair, and it looks nappy and unkempt.”
I even experienced a phase when I am sure he was becoming unattracted to me. Our sex life and romance suffered quite a bit. At one point I felt he would surely dump me for a creamy crack queen, lol.
However, as I am approaching my one year nappversary. I feel he has accepted it. Reluctantly. I also told him I could flat iron it if it just bothers him that much. But of course just as you mentioned it always reverts back, and then they are displeased with the “napps” again.
At this point, I have committed myself to just keeping it braided or tucked away, with a headbands and pins. That way he is not subjected to my unruly fro. I also feel it is not good to give in to the pressure. This is MY friggin hair! I will do what I want with it. Until I can reach the safe length where I can twist it so that it hangs and can have a curly or wavy look. I pretty much have to bind it, (braids, cornrows, headbands, product).
Bottom line, he WILL accept it, or BUST. Because I refuse absolutely to relax my hair ever again. I hate heat styling, because I feel it’s damaging and retards my chance of healthy and longer hair growth. Plus I hate that burned smell of the irons. I HATE IT!!
I fell victim to this type of attitude once before in my life. I first went natural back in 1997. I grew my hair out for four years, and had a beautiful head of hair. Met some knucklehead, and let him talk me into relaxing it. Plus there was no natural products, hair blogs or anything to keep me encouraged. I fell psychological victim. I shudder and think about (what if I had just left that alone….theres no telling how long my hair would be today).
But that is in the past and I am starting new! Goodluck with your husband, and I pray he will come around and appreciate the true beauty of natural hair. Stay encouraged and keep researching, and just keep your hair braided, healthy and moisturized. I will be ok! GOD BLESS!!!!
I too share the same difficulty with my husband. I have been natural 9 months and I am loving my hair. I love my husband also but I refuse to be ashamed of the hair God intended for me to have. All other races love my hair but my own race looks at me with utter disgust.
Au naturale, your husband is an asshole. There is an issue bigger than “hair” that bothers him. Love is accepting someone No Matter of their looks. Saying such mean things that obviously hurt your feelings has nothing to do with your looks he’s unhappy and he’s blaming it on your insecurity which is your hair…….
I believe there are alot of men that love natural hair and natural looks(little to NO make-up). But there are also alot of men who want that “look” that the Media portrays a beautiful black women as-and really that is okay. As we know “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder”.
But just because a man likes natural hair does not mean that women should just let their natural hair look like an unkept “jungle”. Get the right products that will complement your hair textures needs and be creative with your hair.
I went natural off and on for 5 years. But after the relaxer kills my hair and leaves it limp, so, I have to cut it off and start all over again. My hair is now a short, beautiful afro in which I can where the curly ,natural look, and vary my styles. I am actually having fun styling my natural hair, and my husband only prefers natural hair. He loves it. I had it dyed a mahogany brown color, and I love that color against my skin and on my hair. With the natural look, you have to also fix it to where it complements your face and looks good. If you have problems with it; you can always go to a hair professional who specializes in doing natural hair.
I’m a 22 yr. old female and sooooooo happy that Im natural early in life sooooo when that right guy comes along he will have no choice but to accept my natural AFRO glad I have the mindset to be a natural nubian kween nappy and happy and yes I am single, to you other ladies those men have a sick mindset….
Rasheeda…your hair sounds gorgeous! Natural hair can be so beautiful. I love the reddish-brown color as well.
Au Naturale…I feel your pain, too. Your husband is being disrespectful. Tell him: “I love you but it hurts my feelings when you make comments like that. I would appreciate it if you would stop”.
My ex-boyfriend, who was black, would talk about my hair that way too. He was raised by parents who believed that kinky hair was ugly and straight or loosely curled hair is prettier. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, which is part of the reason I cut him out of my life 3 years ago. He is now with a light-skinned Latina who has the so-called “pretty” hair that his family loves.
All of the Black men I’ve been with have viewed my hair as ugly. The funny part is that I DON’T have natural hair. My hair is relaxed and it is down to the middle of my back. My parents are both of mixed race (black and white). But it still too “ethnic” for some black men, because they have been socialized to view the hair of white girls, Hispanics, and Asians as being better than that of Black women.
My hair is soft…but not soft enough by the standards of some black men. My hair is pretty…but in the eyes of some, it never will be.
I believe that whether a Black woman relaxes her hair or stays natural, people will always have something to say about it.
All we can do is try to be positive and love ourselves.
I love natural hair. I find straight, permed, weaved and all unnatural styles of hair on black women to be distasteful. I used to have an afro that was roughly twice the size of my head when fully picked out. It helped distinguish me from everyone else. Most people loved it. But most of the black people I knew often made fun of me for it. I find it distasteful for most blacks to expect me to conform to the short and wavy, more European style. Almost all of the black women I know have weaves, and always disliked my hair as well. I find it sad that we’re expected to conform to society so that we look more “normal.” I only cut my hair because of a job that I got, and even then, I was very unwilling to do so (40 bucks a night and 200 dollar tips as a food runner was pretty convincing.)
I like natual hair on a woman. Shows that they’re comfortable with who they are, and that by itself is very attractive to me.
Interesting thread! I think it’s a bit unfair to come down so hard on those black men who “hate” natural hair. There’s a reason for that. He’s indoctrinated to euro standards of beauty just as black women are, and the pressure is EVERYWHERE! Not only this, but black woman are denigrated in every sector of society! There are few reflections of black womanhood that is beautiful and sexy without being demeaning and disgusting. When we understand this then one can understand why that brother puts on the hard pressure for his black woman to at least conform to the hair standard. What’s needed is a re-education process for our black men who have this mindset. He needs to understand why he’s not attracted to his natural black woman and hopefully work towards accepting her, and self acceptance. It doesn’t really help anything to call names and denigrate the brothers. If we women can educate ourselves as we have done to the REASONS why there is self hatred, then we can have a reasonable discussion on the politics of this oppresion with our men, in calmness, and without being pressured by his fear and anxiety. Then prayerfully, a new understanding of our beauty as black women will emerge in his mind. In my opinion.
I am a white hispanic woman with very very curly hair, and the only man I´ve known that actually liked my hair was an ex-boyfriend that was black, so I am very glad I met him, because had I only dated white men I might have been very self conscious about it – white men and asian men tend to ALL prefer bone straight and even processed hair.
p.s. my ex said my hair had beautiful texture like doll´s hair, and I also love men with curly hair, I think it´s cute. (and even if they have a fro or a lot of hair, I like it too.)
oh ps and white people often have to straighten their hair too – really the only people that always have bone straight hair are east asians, so unfortunately white people suffer ridiculously because of other white people´s standards of beauty.
i understand how it feels to be lonely and the want for love. my boyfriend and i recently broke up. well, he left me because he didn’t like my natural hair. he said you either perm it or i’m leaving. he left. funny thing is i thought he fell in love with my heart and not my hair. it’s quite clear i was wrong. i still have my natural hair. a lesson has been taught from this experience: i need to love God and myself before I do a man.
Dear Me–I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s sad the way these issues of beauty bear down on women and on the men too!
You are beautiful just as you are, as God made you with your beautiful natural hair.
We all have a journey to make in this world which is so hurtful to us. You are on the right path–I pray that you stay on it and learn all the good things that God has planted within your own heart. Keep being true to yourself and to God and you will be blessed!!
I just did the big BC and I’m only 18 so people my age aren’t really sure how they feel about it. Funny thing is though that I attract so many older men it’s quite funny when they find out how old I really am and I’m always being told by them that they think it is beautiful how great I look with basically no hair. My ex boyfriend who saw me said he didn’t like it and to be honest I could care less people care too much about hair and I would much rather want to be with someone who is with me because they actually like who I am as a person. All in all it’s sad to say but their are many people who do not like the whole natural thing. I think it’s great not everyone can do it and the woman who do embrace it and that makes them stand out. There will be someone out there who will love your hair